


Those You Left Behind

by zach_stone



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Suicide Attempt, this is so angst-heavy i'm so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-09
Updated: 2015-10-09
Packaged: 2018-04-25 12:52:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4961335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zach_stone/pseuds/zach_stone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Hannah and Beth fell off the cliff, Josh and his friends found them in the morning, but Beth still died in the fall. Now, Josh and Hannah have to come to terms with the loss of their strongest link, and Sam has to deal with losing her first love. </p><p>TRIGGER WARNING for pretty explicit references to suicidal thoughts/attempts. This is so much angst I'm so sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Josh

**Author's Note:**

> I posted this once a few days ago and then immediately deleted it because I was nervous. It's pretty different from what UD stuff I've written in the past, and it's pretty depressing. But I hope you still like it? Maybe?

Josh can’t remember a time he’s snapped out of a drunken stupor so quickly as when his friends tell him Hannah and Beth have disappeared. As the eight friends fan out around the lodge, shouting the twins’ names, Josh feels the pounding hangover in his skull, but when he hears a familiar voice cry, “Help!” he’s never felt more sober.

“Hannah?” he shouts, pausing to listen.

“Help! Please, someone!” Hannah’s voice is coming from further down the path, towards one of the cliff edges that they’d always been told to avoid as children. Josh runs, his boots slipping and sliding through the snow.

“Hannah! I’m coming! Where are you?” he calls. He gets close to the cliff’s edge and sees that the roped-off danger sign has been snapped off. His stomach drops and he gets on his hands and knees, slowly approaching the edge. When he peers over, he sees Hannah, sitting at the bottom looking up at him. Beth is sprawled out beside her, unmoving. He feels his breath catch in his throat at the sight of her. Is she--? No. She can’t be.

“Josh, oh God, thank God,” Hannah says, her voice somewhere between a shout and a sob.

“Hannah, it’s okay, you’re gonna be okay,” he manages to choke out. He turns around. “I found them! Over here!” he calls. He hears footsteps coming towards the cliff as his friends rush to join him. “Han, are you hurt?” he asks.

“M-my leg,” she says. “I think it’s broken. And Beth, oh God, B-Beth…” she breaks off, sobbing, and Josh knows. It feels like the entire world has dropped out from under him, though the freezing snow against his bare hands reminds him he’s still firmly on the ground. He hears someone, maybe Sam, let out a whimper behind him. He stares down at his hands, knuckles growing red from exposure to the cold.

“Someone go down to the cable car station and phone for help,” he says in a shaking voice. When no one moves, he turns around, looking at them all huddling there with horrified looks on their faces. “What are you waiting for? Fucking go!” he shouts. Matt scampers away, followed by Ashley and Jess. The others stay put, watching him with sad eyes. Josh swallows thickly, tears burning in his eyes. “I’m gonna go down there,” he says.

“Dude, no,” Chris says immediately.

“Josh, you’re gonna get yourself killed,” Emily says.

“I don’t want her to wait down there alone,” he says. “Stay there, Han, I’m coming.” He gets to his feet, scanning the edge for a decent spot to climb down.

"Let me come with you," Sam says suddenly, stepping forward. He looks at her, expression hard. He still doesn't really know what happened last night -- just that there had been a prank, and the twins had run out in the snow. He doesn't know who was involved and who wasn't, but right now he doesn't have time to find out.

"No," he says, and his voice is sharp and cold. Sam looks startled. "The more people there are down there, the more people they're gonna have to get out when help shows up. Stay here." He turns from her without another word, ignoring the pain and anger in her eyes.

He’s not the best rock climber, but he’s gone with Sam and the twins to the rock gym back home enough times to have some idea of what he’s doing. His body moves on autopilot, his mind a whirring white noise machine. Beth, dead. How could this happen? How could this _fucking_ happen?

He gets to the bottom and drops down, rushing over to Hannah’s side. She hasn’t stopped sobbing, and she flings her arms around him as soon as he reaches her. She’s ice cold even though she’s wearing Beth’s jacket. Josh shrugs out of his coat and puts it around her shoulders.

“S-something was chasing us,” Hannah says. “I don’t know what it was, we didn’t realize we were at the cliff until it was too late. A-and Beth tried to stop us from falling, but…” She can’t finish her sentence. Josh holds her to him, and over her shoulder he sees Beth. She’s laying on the ground, her body twisted in a way that looks not quite right. Her eyes are closed. If it weren’t for the blood and scrapes all across her face, it could almost look like she’s sleeping.

“How’s your leg?” Josh asks hoarsely. Hannah glances down at her leg, which is bloodied and swollen. Josh gingerly touches it and she lets out a whine of pain. “Sorry,” he says.

“Hey! Are you okay?” Chris’s voice floats down to them. “Josh?”

“I’m here,” he calls up.

“Ash just came back, they’re sending in a helicopter right now, should be here in fifteen minutes!”

Fifteen minutes down here with his dead sister just inches away. Josh’s head is spinning, the mix of shock and despair and lingering alcohol dizzying him. He tries to get ahold of himself, to stay calm for Hannah’s sake, but they both know that their saving grace, their rock, the one who grounded both of them whenever things got rough, is a lifeless body now. Josh doesn’t realize he’s sobbing until Hannah’s arms are around him again, and he presses his face into her shoulder.

“What are we gonna do?” Hannah whispers. Josh has no answers.

**

The helicopter arrives and the Washington siblings are picked up and taken off the mountain to the nearest hospital. The rest of the teenagers have to take the cable car and drive down into the city. When they get there, Josh is waiting for them in the lobby area. His eyes are rimmed red and his hair sticks up in every direction. Chris is the first to reach him, gripping him in a tight hug. Josh feels limp and empty, can’t even summon the strength to return it.

“Where’s…?” Sam asks.

“Doctors are fixing Hannah’s leg in a cast, and she’s got a concussion,” he replies. “We can see her soon.” Chris has stopped hugging him now, but has his arm around him, and when he steps back Josh stumbles, almost falling. Immediately his best friend is leading him to a chair, and the whole group circles around him. Everyone looks a mess. It’s clear that they’ve all been crying, especially Ashley and Sam. Chris kneels beside Josh, a firm hand on his shoulder.

“I’m so, so sorry,” he says, his voice higher and threadier than usual.

Josh can’t look at him. This is like a nightmare, nothing feels right. How can Beth just be gone? He knows she is, because the people put her in the helicopter under a white sheet, and white sheets mean dead. But he’d seen Beth just a few hours before, so very alive. Smirking at him from the other side of the kitchen as she watched him take another shot, not even wincing. Cracking some joke about Chris not being able to hold his liquor when Chris had grimaced after taking his shot. Ruffling Josh’s hair as she headed back to the living room, telling him to be careful. He remembers chuckling and saying, “When am I not?” He remembers her laughing. Beth, always looking out for him. Beth, the other half of the protective sibling duo that kept sweet, naive Hannah out of trouble.

“This isn’t real,” he says, blinking back tears. “This isn’t right. It can’t be real.”

Sam is crying again. Chris’s grip on his shoulder tightens, lips pressed together in a thin line. Josh wishes, not for the first time in his life, that he could cease to feel anything at all.

**

Last October, just a few days before Sam’s annual Halloween party, Josh had done something stupid. Therapy had been going… okay, maybe, but the medication was starting to make him feel like shit, doing pretty much the opposite of what it was supposed to do. And how many times had that happened already? He was just feeling so sick and tired of switching medications, switching doctors, aimlessly drifting in a haze of numb sadness, and he’d thought, what’s the fucking point? So he’d gone into his room and written a note, but before he could do any more than that, his mother had walked in to give him his laundry, seen the note, started crying, and immediately taken him to the hospital. He’d stayed for a few days under surveillance, and when they’d let him go, the cat was out of the bag and his sisters found out that their big brother was a certified head case.

Not that they judged him. They both hugged him, told him they loved him always. And while Hannah looked heartbroken at the thought of him being in therapy for so long, Beth just seemed understanding. And one night, the night before the Halloween party, she came into his room before bed.

He was sitting in bed reading his psych textbook, but he was more than happy to put it down when she sat next to him. “Hey,” he said.

“Hi,” she said, gaze probing. “How’re you doing?”

“I’m fine, Beth,” he said. “Seriously, you don’t need to keep checking up on me like this. I promise, I’m okay.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell us? About your depression?”

He squirmed uncomfortably. “I dunno. It just didn’t come up.”

“Josh.”

“I didn’t want you to know,” he muttered. “Didn’t want you to think I was weak.”

“Why would we ever think that?” she said, sounding pained.

“Because I think it all the time,” he said. “And it’s terrible, and you’ve already got Hannah to worry about, I didn’t want you feeling like you needed to worry about me. Didn’t want you to get all motherly.”

“I would not have gotten all motherly. I don’t do that,” Beth protested. Josh squinted at her, and she sighed, relenting. “Okay, fine, maybe I do a little. But so what? You’re my brother. I love you. I want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I am,” he said. “Really.”

“Hmm,” she said, not convinced. “Hey, can you make me a deal? You don’t have to talk to Hannah about all this if you don’t want to, I know she gets kind of dramatic when it comes to this sort of thing. But please, please keep me in the loop from now on, okay? If you’re ever feeling… really bad again, talk to me.”

And he’d agreed, because you couldn’t argue with Beth, and honestly, he wanted to talk to her. When he’d first told Chris about some of his problems, it had been both terrifying and relieving that someone close to him knew. Knowing that he could talk to Beth if he ever got close to suicide again… he hugged her, a big bear hug that made her almost fall off his bed.

“Love ya, sis,” he said. She’d smiled.

“I know.”

**

The funeral is small, just family and close friends. Closed-casket. Mr. and Mrs. Washington didn’t want their daughter’s death to be some gawking spectacle, and despite the private service there are reporters hovering around as close as they’re allowed; when someone as well-known as Bob Washington suffers a loss, the media is like vultures, ready to pick at the wounds.

Josh feels like he’s drifting through the entire service. He can’t focus on the words people are saying, the sad eyes and cliche Bible verses read. Hannah goes up to say a few words, but she can barely finish her first sentence before she’s crying too hard to talk. Sam gets up and leads her back to where the Washingtons are sitting. Sam doesn’t go back to her seat; she sits next to Hannah, holding her hand for the rest of the service.

Afterwards, when all is said and done, Josh sits underneath a tree in the cemetery, pulling up grass and staring at his shiny new funeral shoes. He hears someone approach, and then Chris is sitting next to him, elbows on knees, watching Josh’s fingers fiddle with the grass.

“Hey, man,” he says. Josh makes a noncommittal hum. “You holding up okay?” Chris immediately backtracks. “Stupid question. Of course you’re not.”

“I feel kind of… numb,” Josh says slowly. “Like it’s not really happening to me.”

“I know,” Chris says, nodding. “It still feels so unreal.”

“I can hardly look at Hannah,” Josh says. “I can’t talk to her, I don’t even know what to say. I avoid her at home. I’m such a shitty brother.”

“You’re not,” Chris says. “You’re grieving, Josh.”

“So is she,” he says, digging his nails into the dirt. “She needs someone right now, and I just… I can’t do it. I suck.”

“It’s okay,” Chris says, putting a hand on Josh’s knee. “She’s not alone. She’s got Sam, for one thing.”

“Yeah, she’s been around the house like every day,” Josh says. “She’s a good friend.”

“This has been really hard for her,” Chris says sadly. “I mean, for all of us, too, but Sam…”

“What do you mean?” Josh says, looking up.

“Well, you know, her and Beth,” Chris says, fumbling a little over the last word. Beth’s name is like a shard of glass in Josh’s chest, but he pushes down the feeling.

“What are you talking about, dude?”

“Oh.” Chris frowns. “Did you not…? Well, uh, this is a terrible time to… I shouldn’t have said anything. Fuck.”

“ _What_?” Josh presses.

“Sam and Beth were like, kind of a thing,” Chris says. “Ashley told me they weren’t official or anything, but they were, you know, together. For a few weeks before… it happened.”

Josh’s head is spinning. How could he have missed that? He and Beth talked every single night before bed, especially since the incident in October. Why wouldn’t she have told him this? The thought of her not trusting him enough to share this detail of her life makes Josh feel queasy. Maybe she’d been planning to tell him, just looking for the right words. He wonders what she would have said. Now he’ll never know. Tears prickle against his eyelids and he feels the numbness slip away, replaced by so much pain that it feels like his heart is being forcibly removed from his chest. He presses his face into his knees and lets the tears come. Chris’s arm is around him, and it feels like that’s the only thing keeping him from breaking into a million tiny pieces.

**

The house is horrible now, every square inch of it a taunting memory of the sister he’s lost. Josh spends a lot of time facedown on his bed, wishing he could leave his body and his life behind. He drops out of school three weeks after the funeral. His parents don’t have the heart to criticize his choice at this point. His dad stays out on work business longer than ever these days.

One day Josh is stumbling out of his room for the first time in what feels like ages to take a piss and get some water from downstairs when he hears sounds coming from the closed door between his and Hannah’s rooms. Beth’s room. He frowns, slowly reaching for the handle. He opens the door. Hannah is sitting on the floor of Beth’s room, clutching something in her arms and sniffling. Josh steps into the room, and at this distance he can tell that Hannah is holding Beth’s old teddy bear. All of the siblings have a teddy bear that looks exactly the same, just different colors. Josh’s is a denim blue, Hannah’s is a dusty pink, and Beth’s is a faded lavender. Their grandmother had got them for the kids when they were little.

Josh sits down next to his sister. She startles, looking at him with wide eyes behind her glasses. “Oh,” she says, hurriedly wiping her cheeks. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

“Sorry,” he says. “I just heard noises from outside, so…” he gestures lamely to the open door. Hannah nods, setting the teddy down in her lap and pushing up her glasses to wipe her eyes. Josh realizes it’s been weeks since he really even looked Hannah in the face. She looks exhausted. He feels so guilty; he and Beth made a pact to look after their sister, and he hasn’t been doing his job.

“I haven’t been in here since before it happened,” Hannah says, looking around. “But I just suddenly got this, this need to feel like she was still close, somehow, so I came in here.”

Josh swallows the lump in his throat, running his hand over the rug on the floor. “Yeah. I know what you mean.”

“I thought I’d be able to feel her presence or something,” Hannah continues. “But I don’t feel anything. It’s just an empty room.”

Josh puts his arm around her. “She’s still here,” he says, without much conviction. “She’s always looking out for us, right?”

“Do you really think that?” Hannah says. He doesn’t meet her eyes. They both know the answer anyway.

**

_Beth. Remember when you said I could always talk to you when things got bad? Well, they’re bad. Bad as they’ve ever been. Fuck, Beth, I wish you were here. I miss you so much, all the fucking time. It never stops hurting, like there’s a piece of me missing. Poetic. Except it just feels like shit. I dropped out of school. I don’t do anything all day except take my meds that don’t even make me feel any better. And I’m trying, Beth, I’m trying so hard to be better, for Hannah’s sake, you know? But I just can’t do it. She deserves better. She deserves you._

_Why were you the one who had to disappear? It should have been me. I’m messed up as it is, I’m already doomed. But you were everything good in the world, sis. And Hannah needs you, and I need you, and you’re not fucking here. It’s not your fault. It’s our fault, we let you down. I’m so sorry, Beth. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you, and I’m sorry I can’t be the brother you always wanted me to be. I don’t know what else to do now. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry._

Josh drops his note, the second of its kind that he’s written, on the bathroom floor, already feeling the effect of the many sleeping pills he’s just swallowed. He’s so tired, so goddamn tired. The last thing he remembers, fuzzily, is the click of the bathroom door opening and Hannah’s scream.


	2. Hannah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AKA why do I love making the Washington siblings cry. Also, writing a character with practically no canon scenes is tough, I hope I did Hannah justice!

It feels like a bad dream, seeing her brother slumped over the edge of the bathtub, and she knows exactly what he’s done. She drags his limp form away from the tub, calling his name and slapping his face, begging him to stay conscious. His eyes flutter, head lolling, and she can tell he’s not all there. She calls an ambulance, near hysterics. She keeps him upright, begging him to stay awake. She rides in the ambulance with him, waves of terror threatening to pull her under. All Hannah can think is _not again, not again, please don’t make me go through this again._

She calls her parents first, and then almost automatically calls Chris. She’s sitting on a bench outside the hospital when he arrives; they’re pumping Josh’s stomach and the smell of the hospital was giving her flashbacks so she couldn’t bear to wait inside. Chris, looking panicked, skids to a stop in front of her.

“Is he okay?” he says immediately, chest heaving. “Is he gonna make it?”

“The doctors say he should be alright, I found him soon enough that nothing really got too far in his system or something,” she says. She puts her face in her hands. “I can’t believe he did this.”

“I didn’t realize… I mean of course I knew he’s been really low lately, but I had no idea he was this bad,” Chris says, dropping into the seat beside her. He sounds ashamed.

“He doesn’t talk to anyone about how he’s feeling,” Hannah says. “It’s so hard to tell. Why would he do this, Chris?” She looks at him, and he seems surprised to see anger on her face. “How could he do this to me?”

“Han, it’s not like that,” he says gingerly. “He’s sick, he wasn’t thinking.”

“I watched Beth die,” she cuts in. He stops, slack-jawed.

“What?” he sputters. “But, I thought… you said she was already dead when you came to…”

“Yeah. That’s what I told everyone. I didn’t… it was bad enough, without them knowing that part. I couldn’t tell them. Couldn’t tell Josh. But… Beth was still alive when I woke up down there. I could tell she was in so much pain, but she couldn’t even speak. I held her and I watched the light leave her eyes…” She stops, a sob choking her words. Chris looks devastated, gently resting his hand on hers.

“I don’t know what to say,” he says. She shakes her head.

“It was the worst thing in the world, Chris. I felt so helpless. I couldn’t do anything to save her. And then Josh… seeing him like that, I thought for sure I was going to lose him, too. That I was going to watch him die, right there on my bathroom floor.” She lets out a hollow laugh. “I’m not strong enough for this. Beth would know what to do. Beth would know how to help Josh. She _did_ know. When we first found out about his depression, I didn’t know how to handle it. But she just knew exactly what to say, how to get through to him.”

“It’s not always easy,” Chris says. “Trust me.”

“He wrote her a note,” Hannah says. “I found it on the bathroom floor next to him. He wrote that he wished it was him who had died instead of Beth.”

“Jesus,” Chris whispers.

“How are we supposed to function without her? It’s like she was the one who made everything work, and we don’t know how to even talk to each other now she’s gone. He’s all I’ve got left,” she whimpers.

“Hey,” Chris says. “Hey, listen to me. He’s going to be okay. And once he’s out of the hospital, you guys are going to figure this out. You Washingtons aren’t quitters, I know that. And… and yeah, Beth was a big part of what made your dynamic great, but you and Josh love each other so much. I’ve never seen siblings who actually like each other as much as you guys.” Hannah lets out a hiccupy laugh at that. “So don’t give up, okay?”

“Thanks, Chris,” she says.

**

When Hannah got her tattoo, she’d all but dragged Beth along with her. Beth wasn’t wild about needles, but she knew Hannah was a wimp when it came to pain tolerance and would be in dire need of a distraction. The whole thing had been so last-minute; Hannah had taken money out of her savings account, the one she’d been planning to use to buy new tennis gear, and gone to a tattoo parlor in Vancouver and scheduled an appointment for the very next day. It had been pretty obvious why Hannah was getting the tattoo, and she knew that Beth could see right through her.

“Am I being stupid?” she asked as the twins sat in the lobby of the tattoo parlor, waiting for the artist to be ready. “Like, is this a bad idea?”

Beth shrugged. “It’s a really cute design, and you love butterflies.”

“That’s true. You don’t think it’s a little too spontaneous?”

“Sis, you’re the least spontaneous person I know. Maybe it’s good for you to step out of your comfort zone for once, do something different. Besides, tattoos are super sexy.” She smirked, nudging Hannah, who blushed.

“Shut up,” she said, but she was smiling. She knew this whole trying to impress Mike thing was a little childish, and a little pathetic, really, but hey, she was getting this tattoo for herself as much as for him. Like Beth said, it was about time she did something on the wild side.

“I can’t believe you’re going to be the most badass out of all of us now,” Beth said.

Hannah snorted. “Josh said the same thing! Maybe you should get one, too. I know someone _you_ could impress.” She wiggled her eyebrows at Beth, who turned red.

“Hey, cut it out!”

“When are you going to tell her already? It’s making me crazy! You need to stop dancing around each other.” She pointed to one of the tattoo designs on the wall. “You could get that rose one right there. Sam likes flowers.”

“Oh my gosh, Han, I’m not getting a tattoo to impress Sam,” Beth said. “I’ll tell her when I’m ready, okay? In my own way.”

“You should ask her to the prom!” Hannah said excitedly.

“Hannah, _you’re_ already taking Sam to prom, remember? Besides, Ashley and I already made a deal to take Josh and Chris as our dates so they can be the loser college freshmen at a high school prom.” Beth shook her head, chuckling. “They’re so weird.”

“Man, speaking of people who dance around each other, Ashley and Chris are almost as bad as you and Sam,” Hannah said. “Josh has been plotting to get them to hook up at prom, apparently. You should tell him about Sam, I bet he could get that going too!”

“You’re ridiculous. And our brother needs to stop playing puppet master in other people’s lives,” Beth said, rolling her eyes fondly. “I know you’re very excited about the idea of your sister and your best friend getting together, but you’re just going to have to wait.”

“Fine. But promise you won’t wait too much longer, okay? Delaying your happiness is just dumb.” Hannah spotted the tattoo artist coming out into the lobby to call her name, and she gripped Beth’s hand. “Oh boy. Here we go.”

“It’s gonna be fine. I’m right here.”

“What would I do without you?” Hannah said. Beth laughed.

“I haven’t a clue, sis.”

**

Hannah and Chris go into Josh’s hospital room after Mr. and Mrs. Washington leave. Hannah doesn’t want to talk to Josh in front of her mom and dad, and besides, the room isn’t really big enough for four visitors to fit comfortably. Josh looks pretty wrecked when they walk in, his lips chapped and the dark circles under his eyes more prominent than ever.

“Hannah,” he croaks. He spots Chris and his brow furrows. “Chris? What’re you doing here?”

“Han called me,” Chris says. “Shit, dude, I’m so fucking glad you’re okay.”

Josh looks away. Hannah drops into the chair next to his bed, Chris standing behind her. For a moment she just stares at her brother, too many words tumbling through her head to sort out a coherent sentence. Eventually she just says, “How do you feel?”

“Shitty,” Josh says. His voice is raspy. “My throat hurts.”

“Josh… what the hell were you thinking?” It bursts out of her before she can stop herself. He looks up, startled. Chris puts a warning hand on her shoulder. “Do you have any idea how it feels to walk into the bathroom and see your only sibling looking half-dead on the floor?”

“Hannah, I… I didn’t...” Josh stops. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.

“I was so scared, Josh. Don’t you ever do this again. I’m serious.”

Josh’s face crumples, and suddenly he’s crying and Hannah feels like shit. She leans forward and grabs his hand in both of hers.

“I’m so sorry,” Josh gasps. “I just felt so worthless, I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t mean for it to hurt you. I’m so sorry.”

“Shh,” Hannah says, squeezing his hand. “Hey, hey. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. That was bad. I was just so scared.”

“I know,” he hiccups. “I know, I know.” She gives him a moment to settle down, and eventually he’s able to take a few calming breaths. He looks at her with red-rimmed eyes.

“We need to talk,” she tells him. He frowns.

“Um, okay…”

“I don’t mean just now. I mean, in general. I know, um, I know that Beth was the one you talked to about these things, but… you can talk to me, too. I need you to talk to me.”

“I know,” he says. “It’s just… it’s so hard.”

“Mom told me that they’re gonna see if they can get you on some new medication,” Hannah says. “That’ll help, right?”

Josh scoffs. “Supposedly. Millionth time’s the charm, right?” He rubs a hand over his face. “I know you didn’t know until recently, but… this is my life. Bouncing from doctor to doctor, medication to medication, and it’ll work for a while, maybe, but it always ends the same.” He sounds so discouraged. Hannah tries to think of what Beth would do, what she’d say to make this all better. Maybe there are some things even Beth wouldn’t have been able to fix.

“Look, you’re right. I don’t really know what that’s like, what it’s been like for you. But we’re family. Together. And that hasn’t changed, even after Beth…” She sighs shakily. “Even with Beth gone, you and me still have each other. And that’s worth something. Your problems are my problems. Don’t shut me out anymore, please.” She looks up at Chris, who gives her an encouraging smile. Josh runs his tongue along his teeth, nodding slowly.

“Everything’s felt so hopeless lately,” he says.

“I know,” Hannah says. “I really, really know. But that’s why you need to talk to me, Josh. Because I get it. I lost a sister, too.”

She knows her words aren’t going to be a magical solution. She knows she’s not as good at this whole comforting thing as Beth was. But Josh gives her a sad sort of smile, and it’s a start.

**

One day a week or so after Josh gets out of the hospital, Hannah and Sam are in Hannah’s room watching TV. There’s a knock on the door, and the girls, who are sitting on the foot of the bed, look up, pausing the show.

“Come in!” Hannah says. Josh opens the door and pokes his head inside. Both girls are surprised. Josh rarely comes out of his room still, and he’s never really said much to either of them when Sam is over. “Hey Josh. What’s up?”

“Just wanted to say hi. What’re you guys doing?” he asks.

“Watching Gilmore Girls,” Sam says. Josh wrinkles his nose, but makes no move to leave, still lingering in the doorway.

“Do you want to join us?” Hannah asks. He looks sheepish.

“Um, sure.” He shuffles in and Hannah and Sam scoot over to make room for him between them. He sits down and Sam gives him a warm smile. They unpause the show, and even though Hannah knows this isn’t Josh’s kind of show, she’s pleasantly surprised to see him smiling and laughing a little at the jokes. It feels good; it feels normal. She can tell just from the way he’s sitting that Josh is more relaxed, and he even cracks a few jokes and nudges Sam playfully as the time passes.

After an hour or two, Sam glances at her watch and says, “Hey, I gotta go for a bit. I promised Ashley I’d meet her for our baking day thing. But I’ll be back tonight!” She kisses the top of Hannah’s head and ruffles Josh’s hair.

“Bring back cookies,” Josh tells her. “I want some of Ash’s peanut butter ones, those things are out of this world.”

“Your wish is my command,” Sam says. Josh grins. He looks genuinely happy interacting with Sam, and it makes Hannah more grateful than ever to have her in her life. When Sam leaves, Hannah reaches for the remote to turn off the TV. Josh stops her.

“Can we keep watching?” he asks.

“Are you invested now?” Hannah teases.

“Maybe,” he says. “Don’t tell anyone.”

“Your secret’s safe with me, big bro,” she says. She unpauses the episode, and the siblings settle back against the pillows. Hannah feels like the brokenness between them is a little smaller, or maybe it just hurts a little less. 


	3. Sam

This baking thing with Ashley, it used to be a weekly occurrence. It started with Ashley, who was always making these amazingly good cookies and bringing them to get-togethers. Sam decided one day that they should figure out how to make vegan versions of Ashley’s many recipes so she could enjoy them, and Beth said she wanted to learn Ashley’s secrets so she could use the cookies to bribe Hannah and Josh for things, so the three girls had gotten together at Ashley’s house one Saturday to bake. And it had quickly turned into them throwing flour at each other and eating way too many chocolate chips before the cookie dough was even ready, and then gagging on their first failed attempt at vegan sugar cookies. But it was fun, and before they knew it, that’s how the three of them spent their Saturdays. They did get better at the vegan recipes, and although Mike still insisted they tasted “weird,” no one else could tell the difference.

Of course, once the incident happened on the mountain in February, those baking days came to a stop. It hadn’t even crossed Sam’s mind as something they could _do_ anymore until the other day, when she and Ashley were getting coffee between classes. Ashley had been the one to bring it up.

“I meant to tell you, I found this recipe for chocolate brownie cookies,” she said. “They look incredible.”

“That sounds awesome,” Sam said.

“Yeah. I bet they’d be fun to vegan-ify.” Ashley shifted nervously. “Would you, um, wanna come over on Saturday? Try it out?”

Sam’s eyes widened. The thought of continuing their little tradition without Beth felt so utterly wrong. But then, she did miss it. She missed Ashley’s kitchen, she missed the smell of baking cookies that filled the house. “Oh. Um... “

“We don’t have to!” Ashley said quickly. “I know it’s weird now.”

“No, no. We should.” Sam nodded, making up her mind. “I love baking with you. It’ll be fun.”

**

Now that she’s actually at Ashley’s house, though, it does feel more weird than fun. It’s like they’ve both forgotten how they did this all those times before. Beth’s absence is palpable. They stand uncomfortably in the kitchen, Ashley holding a large mixing bowl in her hands.

“So…” she says. Her voice quivers. “Oh God, Sam, I can’t do this.” She sets the bowl down and covers her face. Sam rushes over to her and the girls hug, both of them a little weepy.

“I thought this would help,” Ashley says finally, pulling away and wiping her eyes. “But it just feels so wrong being in here without her.”

“I know,” Sam says, exhaling shakily. “I miss her so much.”

“Nothing’s ever gonna feel normal again,” Ashley says. “It was stupid of me to think making some cookies would change anything.”

Sam shakes her head. “Wait, no, don’t say that.” She picks up the recipe that Ashley’s printed out and placed on the counter. “I know it’s not going to be the same, but… we should do this. I think Beth would want us to keep making cookies in her honor. Besides, I promised Josh I’d bring him some, and you know how he gets when he’s deprived of sweets.”

Ashley chuckles, but then her face turns somber. “I heard about what happened the other day, how he tried to…” she breaks off, shuddering. “Thank God Hannah found him in time. I don’t think I can bear to lose another friend.”

Sam squeezes her hand. “I was just with him. He seems like he’s doing better. I hope, anyway. He’s kind of a mystery.”

They fall into their usual roles, Sam filling measuring cups and Ashley mixing ingredients, and it doesn’t feel quite as terrible once they get into a groove. However, there’s still the painful reminder that something is missing. Sam sets down the bag of chocolate chunks and sighs.

“You know what I miss?” she says. “The music. Beth always put on that awesome playlist, remember?”

“Yes! She has such good taste in music,” Ashley says. Her eyes go wide. “I mean, she _had_ …” They both look at their feet. “Oh, wait a minute. You know, I think her Spotify account might still be logged into my computer.”

“Really?” Sam says, her heart catching in her throat. Ashley nods, hurrying off to bring her laptop into the kitchen. She opens Spotify, and sure enough, Beth’s account comes up.

“Oh my gosh! Look,” Ashley says. Sam comes over to stand beside her, and the two friends scroll through Beth’s playlists until they see the one titled “Bitchin’ Baking Mix.” Ashley presses play, and the first song, “Hey Hey Hey (It’s Gonna Be Ok)” starts playing. Both girls giggle, hit with too many emotions at once.

“Remember that time Chris came over when this was playing and asked us if we were making some kind of cooking porno?” Sam says. Ashley snorts.

“Oh God. That was the last time we let _him_ come over during baking time.”

Sam smiles. “This is nice. Feels like she’s here.”

Ashley nods, eyes shining. They go back to their task at hand, suddenly a lot more talkative.

“Remember that one day we ate all the chocolate chips instead of putting them in the dough because Beth wanted to see who could get more into the other person’s mouth from across the room?” Ashley says. Sam nods, laughing.

“And I totally kicked both your asses,” she says. Ashley shakes a spoon at her.

“Only because you cheated! You kept tickling Beth and messing up her aim!”

Sam smiles fondly. “She didn’t seem to mind.”

At some point, the playlist comes to an end, and Ashley goes over to the computer to put on another one. It’s her sharp intake of breath that makes Sam look up.

“Hey Sam? You might wanna look at this,” she says. Sam looks at the screen. Ashley is pointing to a playlist called “For Sam.”

“What is that?” Sam says, trying to keep her voice from shaking. Her heart is pounding. “Click on it.”

Ashley does so, and the first song, “Bloom” by The Paper Kites, begins to play. Sam closes her eyes.

“Did you know she’d made this?” Ashley asks in a hushed voice. Sam shakes her head.

_Oh you fill my lungs with sweetness, and you fill my head with you._

**

It had been such a ridiculous party; Josh had insisted on going all out for New Year’s Eve as usual, so there was practically enough champagne for everyone to have their own bottle, streamers and confetti on every available surface, and several TVs blasting the Times Square coverage. Sam had been sipping a flute of champagne, trying to remember how many she’d had, when Beth popped up next to her, leaning her head on Sam’s shoulder.

“Hey Sammy,” she said contentedly. Sam felt her cheeks turn pink at her friend’s closeness.

“Hi,” she said. “What’s up?”

“I think I’m drunk,” Beth said matter-of-factly.

Sam snorted. “I think _everyone_ is drunk. How does your brother get ahold of all this booze, anyway?”

“Family secret. If I told you, I’d have to kill you,” Beth said, widening her eyes dramatically. Sam could’ve kissed her, she looked so adorable. Instead, she elbowed her playfully, rolling her eyes. “So what’s your new year’s resolution?” Beth asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. Go to the rock gym more, maybe?”

Beth stuck out her tongue. “You’re so predictable.”

“Oh yeah? What’s yours then?” Sam said. Beth grinned and grabbed her hand. “What are you doing?”

“I have to tell you in secret,” Beth told her. “C’mere, let’s go up to my room.” The two girls stumbled up the stairs, giggling and falling all over each other. They got up to Beth’s room, and flopped onto the bed, both of them on their backs.

“So Hannah and I have this bet,” Beth said, turning to look at her.

“What’s that?” Sam said, turning as well. Their noses were inches apart. She could smell champagne and strawberries on Beth’s breath.

“Han thinks that you’re gonna make a move on me before Valentine’s Day,” Beth said, and Sam’s skin got very warm. “I told her I think it’s gonna take until at least after Easter. Thoughts?”

Sam closed the distance between them with a quick, soft press of her lips to Beth’s. Beth kissed her back immediately, and both girls smiled into the kiss. When they pulled back just enough to look at each other, Sam said, “I think you just lost a bet.”

“There goes fifty bucks,” Beth said. Sam raised her eyebrows.

“You bet fifty dollars on me _not_ confessing my feelings? I’m offended by your lack of faith in me.”

“If it makes you feel better, I’ve never been so happy to be proven wrong,” Beth said, and then she kissed Sam again. Sam hummed happily against her mouth.

“Wait, so what’s your new year’s resolution?” Sam asked.

“To stop delaying my happiness,” Beth said. “In case it’s not clear, my happiness is you.”

When the ball dropped and everyone downstairs cheered and grabbed someone to kiss, Sam and Beth stood at the top of the stairs, just out of sight of the rest of the party. “Welcome to 2014,” Beth whispered against Sam’s mouth.

**

Sam sits on the floor of Ashley’s kitchen, pressing her forehead to her knees. Ashley sits beside her. “I never even thought to ask,” she says. “I mean, obviously I didn’t _forget_ that you two were, you know, kind of together, but… I guess we were all so focused on Josh and Hannah, and hardly anyone even knew about you guys. Sam, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’ve been okay, really. I’ve just put all my energy into taking care of Hannah, it’s made it easier. But this…” she gestures around them, referring to the music playing. “I had no idea she made this for me. She always made these jokes about making me a mixtape so we could be a grossly cute couple like Mike and Emily or something.” Sam laughs, even as she feels a tear make its way down her face. “She was so awesome, wasn’t she?”

“She really liked you,” Ashley says. “Like, for ages. Hannah and I talked about it all the time.”

“I liked her, too.” Sam shakes her head. “I wish… I wish we’d done something about it sooner.” She looks to Ashley, taking her hand. “Ash, can you do something for me?”

“Of course,” she says.

“Please tell Chris you like him.”

Ashley looks taken aback. “Sam, that’s… we’re just friends, I don’t know…”

“Come on, Ash. Everyone who sees you two interact for more than five minutes can tell you’ve both got huge crushes on each other. Don’t wait until it’s too late.”

Ashley’s eyes are full of tears. “Oh, Sam…” She throws her arms around her friend. “It’s just not fair, you deserved more time.”

“ _She_ deserved more time,” Sam murmurs.

**

When Sam gets back to the Washington house that evening, Josh opens the door for her. “I come bearing gifts,” she says, holding up a plate piled with cookies. Josh smiles.

“Knew I could count on you to deliver,” he says, stepping back to let her in and grabbing a cookie from the plate. He takes a bite and closes his eyes. “ _Fuck_ , that’s good.”

“Where’s Hannah?” Sam asks, setting the cookies down on the table in the foyer.

“Taking a shower,” Josh says. He looks at her closer, and he must see that her eyes are still a little red, because he says, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” she says immediately.

“Sammy, in my experience, pretending you’re fine when you’re not leads to nothing good. I’m just saying.”

She deflates. “Okay, okay. It was just… weird today. Because we usually did that with Beth, and it was just hard without her.”

Josh nods. Then, averting his eyes, he says, “I, um. I know. About you guys.”

Sam turns red. “What? Who told you?”

“Chris.”

Sam makes a quick mental note to never tell Chris any of her secrets again. “Right.”

“Why didn’t she tell me?” Josh asks, and there’s a desperate edge to his voice. “Did she think I’d take it badly or something?”

“No, no, it wasn’t anything like that,” Sam says. “We wanted to wait until we were more official, you know? It just happened on New Year’s.”

“I can’t believe I didn’t pick up on it,” he says. “I usually can always tell when people like each other! It’s why I’m so good at matchmaking!”

Sam smiles slightly. “Well, you were going through your own stuff around then.” When he quirks an eyebrow at her, she says, “Hannah told me about what happened in October. I guess both of our best friends aren’t very good at keeping secrets.”

He huffs out a laugh. “I guess.” He rubs the back of his neck. “I wish I had known. I wish I could have… shared in that part of her life.”

“She was so excited to tell you,” Sam tells him. “More than anyone else, really.”

Josh’s eyes mist over, and he clears his throat a couple of times. “She was really something, huh?” he says finally, putting his arm around Sam. She leans against him, closing her eyes and listening to his somewhat uneven breaths.

“She really, really was.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really really hope someone enjoyed this angst-fest. I really wanted to explore what would have happened if the twins had been found (because really idk how they weren't if I'm being honest), and this just popped into my head and I had to get it out there. Thank you so much if you read all this!!!


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